The goals set out for people from a young age are either a ploy to keep the species marching onwards or a sick joke. The myth of a destination where a person can plant their roots and live is a sham because its still a transitory period into something else. This doesn’t mean that there is nothing of value to be had in life but that the arrogant implication of permanece hides the truth away; that all things that live will die and that the molecules that our physical bodies are made of will be appropriated by dirt, plants, animals, etc.. For the kind of mindset that’s looking to grab onto a chair in a constantly spinning room just to get a reprieve from the chaos, having to grasp the concept of a constantly changing environment is a bit unnerving. It resembles the feeling of squeezing toothpaste out of a tube or blood pulsing through an artery. Everything is falling and although the ground is an inevitability, you can grab onto other things and people, hold them tightly so they don’t float away in the freefall, and fill our days with anything but the thought of the ground. 

Worrying about anything momentarily boils away when you look up at the sky and grasp your smallness but returns shortly after because you realize the scale of your environment is the only way you can assign value to anything.

There’s just something that doesn’t sit right with the modern lifestyle. On a seemingly genetic level, something within screams at you to explore, be physical, and build but its reluctantly cast aside for a diploma printed on toilet paper, an medium salary job in a field you’ve grown to despise, and a home built with somebody else’s hands on a foundation of loans and fluctuating job markets.

New York City is like a splash of cold water in your face, something that you need every now and again, but not in such amounts that you become cold. 

clearly my spirit animal

God damn it.

Inadequacies with my life as it is right now always brings my mind to thoughts of better days. I like to think about when everything was simple and my actions didn’t have the gravity that they do now. Of course this “gravity” is just a social construct but it doesn’t change how real it feels. I hold my life in my hands and I’m as stricken with fear as a dear in headlights. I need to get a fucking job. An internship or something actually productive. I need to start to take things seriously as opposed to rationalizing my way out of situations.

Serious changes need to be made or else I will doom myself to a life of stress, aggravation, and eventual depression. But what can I do? The days are bright and the nights are cool, can I really give that up for the greater good of my life? 

I was walking home in the middle of the night after losing money to a friend over pool and it seemed quite surreal. The deafening noises that pierced the silence and the menacing drivers that passed me every few minutes really put me on edge. I passed by pretty trees that reeked of rotting fish and it seemed to fit the situation perfectly. On that walk home I came to understand how alone we actually are. What we build with our hands will give meaning and purpose to it all. I came into this world a small, helpless child but at least I can use my skills to build a decent life so that when all is said and done, the accomplishments will outweigh the nagging regrets. 

No matter how many concise little nuggets of faux wisdom I preach, nothing happens until I make it happen. But those damn headlights are so fucking bright.

I’m awake. I can finally take a deep breathe and actually smell the air. I can look up at the rainy sky and feel the cold droplets land on my face. For months now I’ve been under a spell of some sort; I’m not sure what happened but I’m smiling again. Not just smiling to show respect or kindness, I’ve found myself smiling at life, at the city, at everything.

Ever since college began I’ve felt like a different person. As if part of me died and replaced with something new and unknown. I still have no idea what it is that has appeared within me because I still sense it there. It doesn’t take much introspection to notice the person I was a year or two ago is not the person I am today. I believe my negativity has stemmed from that. I’ve always hated change and when presented with a total overhaul of surrounding environment and a sense of internal change I seem to have shut down. Gone on some cynical and angry autopilot that couldn’t genuinely smile to save his damned life. But no more, I’ve awoken, refreshed from my slumber and ready to sail down the river and see what hides behind the curves of its riverbanks.

#russian movie nostalgia

eatsleepdraw:

Many Hats.

What’s worse, the storm or the muted landscape afterwards? Silence isn’t golden, brass at best. Sometimes small, seemingly irrelevant changes have small, actually irrelevant outcomes but that’s just something I can’t always see.

There are days where if feel neither here nor there, shuffle through the day, and put a smile on my face that instantly shatters when no one’s looking. Sometimes I just wish that someone would just punch me in the face, grab me by my shirt collar, and show me everything that is. “Wake up you sardonic bastard, you’re smart enough to mold your existence in a more pleasing way!” is what they would yell at me. But that never happens. Fortunately enough, there are days when I don’t need such an overdramatized realization of my insignificance and the feeling just sets in a more conventional way.

But what remains after a long period of tumult? Hard to say, it’s different every time. Sometimes a single tree remains from a forest that was swept away by the wind. Sometimes the wind doesn’t take the fallen trees to distant lands but instead leaves them as materials with which to build something grand. Sometimes it’s not the trees that are taken by the storm, it’s you. And sometimes nothing happens. And sometimes everything happens. As for me, I’m not quite sure what I’ve got as my eyes are still adjusting to the sunlight slipping in through the cracks in the clouds.

Brain swollen

Eyelids heavy

Bad taste in my mouth

Throat dry

Slowly suffocating from work

It’s not supposed to be like this

Nausea

Pale complexion

Mindless busywork creates a mindless Steve

Feet throbbing

A younger me would think about being in my forties and reminiscing about how tough it all was.

I want to write something, believe me I do but I can’t.

I have to collect my pollen. 

I want to close my eyes, count to three, and open them to a happier and more meaningful existence.

For the love of all that is holy, somebody save me from this hell I’ve found myself in.

Stomach aching

Things may seem bleak but I’ll come out stronger in the end.

I hope

Swing music will cheer me up temporarily but damn something’s got to be done about this.

I’m a ghost of my former self and I do not like it. 

Head aches

If only the diem would carpe itself, I don’t have the energy.

It’s easy to see

the way everyone feels

While watching the fall

of youthful bastilles

It’s all a casino

And as far as we know

Withdrawing your money

is the fastest way out

We are the catalysts of revolution today

And so while everyone shouts “Hip-Hip-Hooray”

All I can do is scowl in dismay

When everyone cheers for victories won

I see the threads

that have come undone

And it kills me from within

Easy to see if it were made up of fractions

Or the result of chemical reactions

But this is the mind of the hive

And if you think you can come out alive

You’re surely mistaken

A part of you dies 

That much is certain

It’s because of the lies

That hide behind curtains

Laugh it up now

Give in to corruption

And soon you will know

The horrors to come

slydisguise:

Fats Waller - Ain’t Misbehavin’

(via onapaperboat)